The Meat Chronicals
by Geta-Boshi
Summary: Based on a nickname a friend gave Byakuya. Well, what can I say: Byakuya robbing a meat stores, getting arrested, on the run from the cops, and all because of a bet Rukia and him made. Slight ByaRenji
1. Chapter 1

Sup peoples! How ya doin' today? Anyways, let me go on. Oh yeah, This actually was inspired by the nickname me and a friend gave Byakuya. His name is Meat. -.-; You don't even want to know why... Oh, yeah... Byakuya is acting OOC and other random stuff.

**Disclamer: **Do I look like I own Bleach? If I did... I would have a brigade of breakdancing Shinigami! . No seriously, If I did, the series won't ever be the same.

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Byakuya Kuchiki's leg continued to shake quickly. Annoyed, the adjusted his other head over his gyrating one. He looked like a little child anxious to go to Chuck 'E Cheese or something. He frowned as he glanced at the food magazine on his desk. 'That looks good..' He thought, staring at the pork chop, drool almost escaping from his lips. 

That's when his crimson-haired Fukutaichou walked in. He glanced at his Taichou's desk, seeing the magazine with the pork chop, he grinned. He still couldn't believe Rukia and Byakuya made this bet. Its apparent that his lover was losing.

Byakuya didn't bother to look up at Renji, it probably wasn't anything important. That's when Renji spoke up.

"Taichou… you know you can always go to the Living World to get some.. I know Rukia hasn't alerted the stores down there." He stated. Byakuya looked up slowly from the magazine, turning the page.

"Hm… That's ridiculous, why would I got all the way to the Living World for that?" He asked frowning. He wasn't desperate enough to do something like that.

"Well I just wanted to let you know, Taichou, just in case." He stated, grinning to himself internally, knowing that the Captain probably will go.

_Sometime Later..._

Byakuya walked inside of store, kind of jittery. He covered his nose as the foul smell of cold air and meat hit him. Other than that, everything was good and gravy to him. He was in the human world in a meat store. He was just glad Rukia didn't alert this one.

He walked along the freezer, glancing at the various cuts of meat. Pork chop, prime rib, neck bones, all of this made him drool, internally of course. It wouldn't look right if someone of his breed would exhibit such behavior in public.

Byakuya grabbed all he could hold in the basket. He strolled to the register. The man at the register glanced at Byakuya for a moment, deciding if he should crack on him or tell him that there is no anime convention in town. The man, instead shook his head slowly, scanning the items.

"Two thousand, seven hundred fifty dollars and fifteen cents." He stated. Byakuya grunted as hre felt his shihakusho for his wallet. He frowned as he padded himself one more time.

_'Great…' _He thought. _'I came all the way here for nothing…' _

That's when he felt something in his pocket. He almost forgot he had _those. _The Kuchiki did something every, Un-Kuchiki like. Byakuya pulled out that Black Ski-Mask so quick it didn't even make sense. He placed it on his head with a not loaded faux pistol in his hand. He cocked it to the side, pointing it to the cashiers face.

The cashier gave him a worried look as he put his hands in front of him. "What do you want?" He asked.

"Put the damn meat in the bag!" Byakuya yelled, trying to imitate the same exact scene he saw in a movie, he and Renji saw once. The cashier hurriedly put the frozen meats in the bags as Byakuya tapped his foot impatiently.

"A-Anything else?"

Byakuya glanced around at the counter. There was nothing that he actually wanted, but the meat.

"No. I'm quite done actually. Good day, sir." Byakuya stated as he grabbed the bag. He walked out of the store, with his ski mask on, like nothing happened. He glanced around to see a car pull up. The window rolled down, with that ever familiar grin.

Byakuya ran to the other side of the car, opened up the door quickly as he can, then got it.

"GO! GO! GO!" Byakuya yelled as the cashier walked outside with a shotgun, ready to shot them. Renji pushed it to the limit, getting out of there as fast as he can, living a skid mark in the process. Renji laughed as they sped down the street, Byakuya just looked through the bags.

"We should have a cookout…"

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Oh man. XD I hope ya liked it. I thought of Sanzo when Byakuya cocked the pistol to the side. Comment if ya want... Anyways, Part 2... The cookout. 


	2. I'm Rich, Beyatch!

-1**The Cook-Out**

Byakuya sat in his chair at the 6th Division thinking about what had happened the previous night. All that he could manage to think about was the robbery of all the meat he and Renji stole. The nobleman managed to twitch a bit.

The prime cut rib.

The chicken legs.

Aw! He just wanted to eat it so bad but he concluded that he would have his grub on when Rukia leaves on another foray of the Human World… whenever that would occur. He honestly hoped that she would leave as soon as possible so that he could have that cook-out that he mentioned to Renji before.

Where was the meat stored? Really, Byakuya left that to Renji…

That's when he received a knock on the door.

"Captain Kuchiki?" Renji asked from the other side. Byakuya looked up from the paperwork he was doing and replied.

"Come in."

The crimson haired Fukutaichou opened the door and walked inside of the office like any other person would. He then noticed that the Captain was eyeing him in a sort of weird way, like a piece of meat. Renji could've sworn he saw the Captain lick his lips, but he shook that off until later.

"Yes, what is it Renji?" He asked after he cleared his throat. Renji had refrained himself from yawning since the two didn't get much sleep last night, if you know what I mean. He un-tucked the folded paper from under his arm and read the announcement that Rukia Kuchiki has departed from the Soul Society for a weeks' foray.

The nobleman nodded slightly then dismissed Renji. Before Renji could reach the door he called out to him.

"Renji, get the meats, we'll start the barbeque today at noon…"

All Renji did was nod at his lover then grinned. Aww… this was going to be sweet.

**Noon, The Same Day, The Kuchiki Estate.**

Byakuya stood over one of the many grills at the estate with his pink 'Kiss The Captain', apron on. Yes, the man was flipping the stolen meats on the grill with a almost happy look on his face. Anyways, almost all of the Gotei 13 was at the Kuchiki Estate, partying their asses off. Kenpachi and Shunsui was a bit tipsy and have been mumbling very incoherent things to anyone who would walk by them. Kenpachi glanced around the place dizzily, that's when he had seen a shadow. For a minute there, Kenpachi thought he had saw someone who had favored Itachi Uchiha, but then he concluded that it was the fine sake he was drinking.

"Damn Yumichika and his manga books…" He mumbled before he went to drinking again.

Well, as Byakuya served anyone who would come his way. Here came Rangiku Matsumoto, with a plate. She smiled at Byakuya and all he did was frown at her. He slapped the hamburger on the bun then groaned inwardly at her fashion sense. Well, honestly, her uniform that she was wearing. He didn't see the point of her exposing her breasts as of they were special. It was very unappealing and very unprofessional on her part. For all he knew, they could've been fake. Seriously, one would mistake her for a whore in cosplay than a vice-captain.

That's when he gave her the evil eye, which caused her to run away with her plate of food. This little obscene gesture caused his frown to deepen even more.

"Captain…" He heard Renji say behind him. The nobleman turned around slightly to see his lover. Byakuya smiled a somewhat innocent smile at him. I guess he was happy that Rukia wasn't here to see that he copped out of the bet. At the moment, it really didn't matter if Rukia popped up and caught him doing this, all he was worried about was the meat he was soon to be eating.

All That Meat…

"Are you having a good time, Renji?" He asked as he began to make a plate for himself. All Renji did was nod.

"Yeah, er… there's something that I am worried about." The man stated before he took a bit off of his hotdog. Byakuya paused, he knew what Renji was worried about. Renji was worried about a investigation or something of the sort. It wasn't likely that the Soul Society was going to concern themselves with a series of petty robberies in the Earth Realm.

"Don't worry about it Renji, nothing will happen." He stated as the two went to sit down somewhere with some privacy.

"Hisagi-Fukutaichou hasn't come yet. He clearly said that he was going to come today." Renji stated with a slightly worried look on his face. Byakuya took notice of the look and clearly did not like what he was seeing. He quirked a eyebrow.

"Why are you so worried about Hisagi-Fukutaichou?"

Renji then smiled weakly, automatically knowing what Byakuya was thinking.

"No! It's nothing like that!" He exclaimed.

Byakuya gave him a dull look, then slipped his tea.

"Sure Renji… I-"

That's when Mayuri Kurotsuchi and a whole brigade of shinigami busted through some random wall. They were in some kind of awkward pose with some kind of uniform on. I don't know, all I can say that it was some sort of Power Rangers costume and Mayuri was the Black Ranger. Mayuri pointed his Zanpaku-to at Byakuya's head.

"Byakuya Kuchiki. Renji Abarai. You are under----"

In the blink of a eye, Byakuya and Renji were gone. All they left were their plates and food. For a slight moment, he could've thought he heard,

"I'm rich, beyatch!"


End file.
